* Mood: Uneasy...
* Music: Nobody Wins - The Veronicas

When I thought I had calmed down a bit from my last post, something from the past struck and struck hard.

Some of you might remember that I had taken a trip to Paris back in Winter of 2005. Especially, those of you from my old LJ account. (for note/blogging purposes in Facebook, Myspace, and DA, some DA users might remember, but don't mind for the rest of you. I'm a copy-paster with these things.)

In high school, I met a guy named Don Woods. He became like a brother to me. Hanging out with him, at the time, was my favorite form of escape from my family. We'd walk to his house, play games, even sword fight. I ate dinner there on occasion and his mother was a really awesome lady. Out of all the men I've known in my life, save my step and foster father, I trusted him completely. With my life.

His father worked for Boeing at the time and gained a contract with Boeing France. They all moved to Paris and Don and I kept in touch frequently through e-mails and instant messenger. After about three months, a joke was started.

"It would be great if you were the first friend to visit me overseas." Don often would say.

I would laugh it off and we'd just talk. I was a child who had no money to go to some foreign country, let alone have a place to stay or know the language.

Eventually, his mother got involved and it became: "You get your passport and we'll pay your round-trip ticket. You can even stay with us for 6 weeks."

It was a chance I didn't pass up. Many of you got post cards or souvenirs from me. I had a great time, and there were some various small things that I had done that probably were frowned upon based on a high order of manners.

The 6 weeks passed quickly and on March 2nd, I returned to the states. That was the last I remember hearing from Don or his parents. I'd spent a great deal of time trying to find him or contact him or his parents. Nothing worked, not e-mails, he disappeared from instant messaging, and mass searches found nothing. I would search e-mail databases for him or his parents. And for a while, I even tried MySpace. I still turned up nothing.

Eventually, I gave up and under the circumstances, I honestly thought I was to blame. Maybe I overstepped my boundaries. Maybe I was too imposing or childish. Back then, I was extremely childish and selfish. More so than I should have been for the kindness I had received. I had made a bad impression. And a lasting one.

I gave up and had thought I put it all behind me. *shrugs* I'd dealt with loss more times than I care to admit to. What was another loss...? That's what I thought at the time. Don was like a brother. No... He was my brother. More so than my legal brothers are any day of the week.

I had entirely forgotten about Don and everything until yesterday.

I took my sister to a job interview at Subway in Ocean Shores, the place I live. I was sitting in the car, playing my GBA to pass the time and I happened to look up. A guy was sitting on his bike, headphones in, strapping his helmet and getting ready to leave. He turned and I saw his face. It was Don. I called out, (stupidly), and realized the headphones and the fact he probably couldn't hear me. He started off and, (again stupidly) called out his name and tried to rush out to catch his attention. Dumbass me, I was strapped into my seat. I hadn't removed the seat belt. He got away, never noticing.

I was absolutely dumbstruck.

I didn't know I would be so bothered... I'm way more bothered than I should be. Even to the point of an anxiety attack from guilt. This has thrown me more out of sorts than I've been in 8 years. I actually had to fight off tears or the urge to yell out in frustration. *shakes head*

The only thing I can think of for why is the fact our friendship never had closure... It just... Stopped. I return from Paris and he vanishes completely.

I ran a search yesterday on MySpace, refining a few things and I believe I found him. He's been right under my nose this whole time. I've sent a couple of messages, one has been read. I'm just waiting.... And for some reason I feel like I'm being eaten alive from the inside out....

"My teddybear of a brother doesn't want a thing to do with me." is what I'd thought. Even now, I still feel doubt and unease. And more so that it's my own fault.

Mood: Confused, Conflicted, Childish
Music: Espacio - Ceui - Sora Wo Kakeru Shoujo ED2


Lately, I've been dealing with conflicted feelings. But above all of that, I'm just upset with myself. Somewhere along the line, I lost sight of who I am. What I'm doing... All over again, I'm nothing more than a child. And I'm frustrated by my own incompetence. My own childishness.

In the midst of trying not to hurt anyone anymore, I'm setting things up for everyone to be hurt. Myself included. Pain is inevitable part of life and somehow I lost sight of that unfortunate fact. Pain makes people stronger. As long as one is willing to be honest with those around them, the pain will be minimal and hopefully overcome in a short period of time.

Yet here I am, being a hypocrite, pulling so many strings of various people, setting them up to be hurt more than they need to be. People who don't deserve that pain. Worst of all, I'm lying. Not just to others, but myself as well.

I'm a scared, witless idiot that was so blinded by her lies that she began another cycle of pain. I'm such a child... Inexperienced, naive, and thoughtless...

You know, "keeping my options open" is a blatant set up for pain, not only for myself, but others as well. It's a childish sentiment set up in a futile attempt to protect oneself.

There's this really nice guy, not only nice in personality, but looks to boot. A real sweet-heart. And someone I care about, but only as a friend. He asked me out a while back and I foolishly said yes. I hold no romantic feelings for him and probably won't... Unless the world came to an end and I had limited choices. Sounds mean, but it's more of a compliment than one might think, since people out there like to say "I wouldn't date you if you were the last person on earth!" phrases.

On top of that, there's this guy I don't even know and just met who has taken a serious liking to me. Not that he's much of a factor. He nearly got his face pounded in when he bit my shoulder... He's lucky that Niki was around... And while being nice and having problems saying no, I told him I'm not saying "no", but I ain't saying "yes" either. That's a start to leading him on...

I hold feelings for a girl in Norway, stronger than anything. I want to place my all into that bond. It's not a relationship and probably won't be for some time. Regardless, I actually feel okay with that.

Yet, I'm scared. This is the first time in a long, long time that I've had feelings for someone who isn't Kiri. True feelings. Something that has that special spark. The last time I attempted dating was when I was 16. I'm 23 now. That's 7 years. I' super inexperienced, really shy, (especially, in person), and tend to make a fool of myself in a lame attempt to impress. I fluster easily and tend to stutter and am noticing I have the tendency to be that stubborn hard-ass type on the outside, but a major softie on the inside.

It seems like I don't even know myself anymore.... My views have changed, how I act has changed, how I handle things have drastically changed, I'm not even that lame-o depressed person. (It's taking some getting used to, but it's kinda hard to be EMO anymore. Kind of annoying actually.) I'm not even leader material anymore unless it's something serious. I don't take charge of group project anymore. I seem to have taken the backseat to everything.

I see myself in various situations and I'm no longer the aggressive type anymore. I used to be very aggressive, despite my anti-socialism. I wonder if it's the fact I'm refraining from violence... I don't get defensive when people enter my territory or personal bubble space. Like that dude who bit my shoulder. I didn't know it was going to happen, but I did nothing when it DID happen. My old self would have made the dude a bloody pulp. I would have defended myself and my body. I would have defended my pride as a woman.

*looks down a bit* I don't know what's happening to me or anything... I don't have a single clue, much less WHY it's happening... And with each day, I realize just how much of a child I am. Layers feel like they're tearing away. I'm feeling more and more vulnerable... And my old survival tactics no longer work anymore.

I feel like a scared animal that was born and raised in captivity, only to be set free into the wild, knowing nothing of the outside world and it's dangers...

I'm scared of not knowing myself. I'm scared of giving myself to someone with the risk of being hurt. I'm scared of hurting others (which is just plain stupid.... Why? I have no idea...). I'm scared of not knowing anything. I'm scared of a lot right now... I feel so much like a child, it's not even funny...

What makes this even stupider? The fact that I feel the need to find some sort of comfort... There's no one I can find that comfort in. Even a hug would be nice... And I don't get one. I just want to stay close to someone who wouldn't judge and just lay in comfort for a while...

----------------------
On the up-side, I feel alright. I made a positive impact in someone's life who really needed it. I made a difference in a good way. I was able to help someone overcome their own darkness and improve their life if only by a little. I got the ball rolling in their favor...

They came up to me today and we talked for a while. Things are looking up for them since we met. They kept telling me it was fate or something. Just knowing that the think meeting me helped them out with their life makes me smile.

You know, affairs of the heart are often cruel. *tilts head* I have no complaints to list or anything about how crappy I'm feeling. I'm not depressed or upset... I'm not even being EMO. I say this for half the people who always think I am. Those who think I'm pessimistic or depressing.

Let's get one thing straight. Despite my out-going personality that I have around the people I'm comfortable with, I am a quiet person who keeps to myself. But I'm also an emotional person who can't lie about how I feel, much less keep it in. I'm often misunderstood, and half the time, I get into some pretty nasty misunderstandings due to the fact of a lack of communication, often on my part. I'm not a perfect person or a bubbly ray of sunshine. I have my ups and I have my downs. That's life. Anyone who doesn't have both or has one or the other 100% of the time just isn't human.

I have a heart. I care about others more than I care about myself. I have good qualities, I have bad qualities. I often have attachment issues, which in the end hurts me the most out of anyone involved. I can be an angry person if provoked the wrong way. I no longer fly off the handle on a whim. I'm often pretty gullible. People mistake my gullibleness for seriousness. Most of what goes through my mind is to act calm and try and figure out the truth. I play things by ear to try and find out if I'm being tricked. Often I tend to be rather quiet and watchful in that moment... I just don't know what to believe and rather than assume that something is true or not isn't the right way to go, so I might SEEM serious, but I'm not. I'm keeping myself from being hasty or gullible.

A lot of people play pranks on me or pick on me or make fun of me. Half the time, it's all in good fun, heck, I pull pranks myself. (Speaking of which, I still need to get McDougal back... >_>; ) People often generally tend to tell me how much they enjoy my company and that I'm a good person. Finally after so many years, I'm starting to just barely believe that to be true. I'm often very hard on myself and I'm my own worst critic. I can't believe I'm pretty, or cute, kind or caring. I never know what to say when faced with positive comments or compliments.

I fluster easily, (which for some people is a strikingly fun amusement), so I tend to blush very bad and I also have a habit of stuttering. A couple certain people find this very cute and amusing. The two shall remain nameless for the time being. =_=; But I can honestly say I like myself a little now. I like my hair. I like my hands. And I like my expressions. Despite being shy, quiet, and sometimes, seemingly serious, I have a wide range of expressions that people love to laugh at or be shocked at. For the last few years, a very rare few have seen any of my negative or super serious expressions. For the last couple of years, I've been able to avoid using violence. For the last couple of years, I've been able to curb my temper and find some other way to express my more negative emotions. I haven't found a permanent outlet for those emotions, but just in not following through with those emotions, that's imense progress in itself.

Over the years I feel I have made great progress from who I once was. And for the longest time, I could use the same survival methods and always make it through in the end. I do my best to help people and if I can't, yes, I feel bad. But then I know that I only have just so much power. I'm not the strongest in either body or mind, but I believe that in spirit, there's a select few that top me. I've made it this far and I can finally call myself a true survivor. I've survived a lot of things in life. I'm honestly still somewhat traumitized, or rather effected by certain things or set of events or types of people, but I can honestly say that I give everything a chance at least. I will never stop being afraid of certain things or types of people. I won't stop being easily intimidated. But I can curb the fight or flight response and give people a chance. I can give trying new things a chance.

I will always be afraid of men. Not for them and their gender, per se, but for what lies under their clothing and what most men tend to want. I have very trustworthy male friends, but that's all they'll ever be. As brothers or friends. Honestly, I have more guy friends than I do women friends, which makes almost little to no sense. Women...? *tilts head* That's a hard one. I have plenty of female friends and I have a few best female friends. I'm not very girly, much less very social or understanding of what women think or how they feel. Women are vague, cautious, and cunning. I often find myself drug into unnecessary drama because of them. (Like recently). But there are as many women as the fingers on one of my hands that I can trust with every fiber of my being. Those women are my solid base. Together, they keep me as the person I am now and help me further progress forward. Without them, I would not be here as I am now. And I have much special thanks for two in particular. Koneko and Sylvia. Those two changed my life completely in a 180 degree direction at a time when I nearly lost all of my humanity. I was at a point in my life that a choice of what path to take had to be made. No matter what that choice would have been, there would have been NO turning back. The fact that I'm still alive is thanks to them entirely. I put them both through hell and they never gave up on me like everyone else in my past had. My mother, to this day, still gave up on me.

Romantically, I prefer women. Always will. I suppose it's for that sense of comfort I tend to feel around them. Or the fact that there's a better understanding between women. Or the fact that they are comfy to cuddle with. XP Who knows? *shrugs* Men will never hold my heart in any fashion for such. Never have, never will. I feel like my pride would take the worst beating possible, should I give into men. Deep down, I do still hold hatred for men. They haven't won and will never rule my life. Men always messed up my life and my life was always put in danger because of them. Men are not completely to blame, this much I know. But out of everything, 90% of the crap I went through was because of the male gender. Intimidating bastards that do nothing but fight or abuse their power and prey on the weak, thinking that they and they alone have power over all. Egos are what piss me off most in life. People with huge egos that compensate for something else they lack or people who prey upon the weak. Be they male or female, I don't tolerate it. Men are far more guilty that women, but women are NOT excluded.

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Aside from that blabbering fact, I suppose after all that has been said, I can get to something else on my mind. I've been pretty conflicted in my feelings. But at the heart of the matter, I plan to stay with what I have chosen. Rough times are ahead, and while I feel an uneasy sense of loss and an overwhelming need to escape, I can't make a move or I loose everything I have right now. I have to wait at least a month before I can do anything. (I also have to get rid of the purple hair, sadly.) *tear* Stupid freakin' "we want people who have hair colors that are found in nature" bullshit. I COULD pop off with "there's lavenders, lilacs, orchids, all sorts of purple flowers, get your heads out of your asses!" but that wouldn't do me any good. =_=;;

Lately there have been some things that have brought my heart to the past and a lot of it has spurred that sense of loss. I've come to accept it and I won't run from it. While I won't be making anything large of it, I can't ignore the fact that it's there. I listen to all these songs come up on the radio, or shows that come on that I had watched with certain feelings I once held. I can't help but feel nostalgia, loss, and antsy anxiety.

A good example is Kannazuki No Miko. I only watched about 5 minutes of an episode and couldn't help but anxiously bounce around in my seat, feel angry and sad all at once..... The other day, a song was played by an Australian artist that has a hauntingly large link to my past. I felt the sudden urge to leave the house and go to the woods and yell at the top of my lungs in frustration.... Yes, I am containing all these feelings, and while I know it's not good to bottle things up, I can't keep acting like a child.

* Mood: Unsure, Scared, Relieved.
* Music: Exceeding Love - Himekami - Suikoden III OST

So lately, there's been a lot of changes, especially with myself.

One of the most prominent ones is how I feel for certain people, or my thoughts about them. I'd been in love with the same person for almost 10 years. That's a really long time. No matter what I tried, no matter what I did, said, ANYTHING, those feelings never changed, never wavered. I caused them so many problems because of it, in turn, causing myself a lot of pain. Unrequited love sucks. Eventually, I settled for a friendship, even with benefits. Anything, as long as I could remain at their side. Then I became less involved and just wanted a normal friendship.

There were a lot of hardships and such and I can't honestly call that person my "BEST" friend anymore. Sure, they know everything about me, and sure, they can peg me or read me like a book... But that one certain connection has disappeared. I noticed it when I realized that I was no longer in that person's thoughts. At least hardly ever in a large enough matter for me to be of any help to them. To be honest, that made me feel like shit and I felt very torn that I wasn't looked at or even considered to be anything substantial in their life. No matter how much they did for me, I could never do anything back. I wasn't allowed to. I was never told anything, never relied on, never really vented to, never asked advice, always kept in the dark. They keep a wall up that I can never climb. Even to this day...

Even more so when I ask to just hang out like a normal set of friends. I feel ignored, or something. I never get a clear answer, even when I ask for a free day months from the time I ask... I feel like they don't want to meet me, they don't want something to happen or something. Like I'm still the old obsessed me who hasn't changed. Or when I wanted to give them a present for X-mas or their B-day. Something small just out of the goodness of the fact that they are someone I care about. Not even romantically anymore and I receive the same reply. I just don't seem to matter. It seems childish, I know this already. I'm not asking for constant attention or anything, far from it. I just wanted to be acknowledged and accepted in the end... But...I don't even think I'll get that...

And now things are only going to become harder. That person is finishing their final year at the college they attend. After that, they plan to move to another state with a friend. I feel very insecure about that. But it's not my choice. It's not my life. I'm scared. I'm scared of loosing that person, even though I no longer matter. I even found myself resenting being an adult, wanting to be a child, just to have the time to hang out with them or talk to them...

I'm still scared. I still don't want to loose them.

But the feelings I had are gone. They have been for months now. And it's absolutely astounded me. How it happened, I really don't know. I just know that I don't love them anymore. I haven't for some time. I can finally move on. Despite still being hurt with the feeling of abandonment, I can move forward.

I've found someone else I like. Even though it's a huge long distance thing, I really do like that person. Cute, smart, gentle, caring, fun, and seems to love adventure. I haven't gotten to know them all that much and I'm taking it slow, but I want to learn more about them. I actually don't mind the distance. I don't mind the gaps I seem to notice. I want to be there for them, through good and bad. If they're happy, I can smile. If they're sad, I want to be their comfort. I truly care for that person. I want to do all I can to do the right thing and make the right choices, not make the mistakes of the past to the person who didn't deserve any of the crap I put them through, despite the fact they feel otherwise about that.

I don't know if this person likes me back in the way I like her. But I won't ask for now. I want to, but I'm scared to. For more than one reason. But still... For now, I think things are fine for now. I know I can at least move on. I can remove the shackles... I'm scared of the change, but I can't stop it, nor will I try. I can only look forward.

Well, this last week has been interesting, and the weekend was fun and all, but concerning my health, I can't say things are going well right now.

I was electrocuted earlier this week, once was fairly serious, the other two relatively minor. I left my phone charger at school and when I noticed, I moved forward to grab the charger and pull it out of the wall. I was shocked and forced back, the current going through my entire arm.

Maybe I should back up and start with the problem rather than a possible cause. >_>

I'm having actual speech problems and reaction issues. I'm slow for a lot of things I'm normally not and I have to fight to say certain words or form a word correctly. Sometimes, it's like my mouth or face even isn't working with my brain. I am starting to stutter and slur words and even typing is a chore. Meanial small things in every day life, I'm noticing are actually becoming somewhat of a problem. I'm feeling like my personality or emotional control has regressed as well on some level. A pretty good example is during the start to the return trip from the PoOC, (Power Of One Conference), I attempted to lend my opinion to a conversation and was shot down by the entire van. I acted like a stupid child and nearly threw a fit, but ended up venting and almost fully crying while talking with the advisors, as everyone else was shopping or getting food. I've been ten times moodier than usual as it is in the last week. And this entire weekend, I've noticed nothing but personality regression with myself at certain points. And Jen and Brian (the advisors) noticed as well and voiced it during my 'almost-fit'.

It developed over the weekend and got worse in the last 24hrs. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to fight with something that normally should be as natural as breathing.... *fidgets* Mom and G-ma saw it earlier, I was trying to explain something to them and certain phrases wouldn't come out and I couldn't think of any other way to say it, it was like my mind was a fuzzy blank and my mouth was like a numb something-or-other or jello... *tilts head* It's hard to explain what it's like to struggle with something like that. I have most of my other functions, but my brain isn't working like it should, neither is my mouth or face, I'm turning pretty dyslexic with my words, having to correct everything, and my physical reaction time is cut somehow. So far today, I think I had three instances of complete mental blank-outs. It was just like for a split moment, nothing worked, I would freeze, and honestly, that particular second turns into a memory blurr.

Last night, I hit my head on the corner of a table. That's the only detail I can tell you. Out of everything that happened last night, the one and only thing I CAN'T remember is where I hit my head (like in what room or building), when, how, and I can only vaguely remember a reaction. I remember the initial impact of my head with the corner of the table, desk, or dresser, saying 'ow' and the feeling of brushing it aside, with a thought of not feeling the impact. Other then that, I remember nothing. So I can't give any other detail other than I hit my head on a wooden corner of something that hit right above the corner of my right eyebrow. I can say that for certain because of the goddamn bruise.

My grandmother has tossed the possibility of a stroke. I'm thinking it might have to do with all the weirdness of static charges and my getting electrocuted. There's something else I heard it could be, something like a nerve being pinched or blocked, or the blood flow is cut or something like that. (Odd, no idea, I just know that my spine is the problem if that's the case since I have to have my back popped often.)

(this is taking longer to type out than it should. having to backspace and correct mistakes like crazy.)

But I'm going to try and find out some things at the college, see if they have a medical staff (I have never seen or heard of one, closest is the CNA students.) and see about the symptoms and go from there, if it's the electricity issue, the college can pay for the medical bills.