* Mood: Uneasy...
* Music: Nobody Wins - The Veronicas

When I thought I had calmed down a bit from my last post, something from the past struck and struck hard.

Some of you might remember that I had taken a trip to Paris back in Winter of 2005. Especially, those of you from my old LJ account. (for note/blogging purposes in Facebook, Myspace, and DA, some DA users might remember, but don't mind for the rest of you. I'm a copy-paster with these things.)

In high school, I met a guy named Don Woods. He became like a brother to me. Hanging out with him, at the time, was my favorite form of escape from my family. We'd walk to his house, play games, even sword fight. I ate dinner there on occasion and his mother was a really awesome lady. Out of all the men I've known in my life, save my step and foster father, I trusted him completely. With my life.

His father worked for Boeing at the time and gained a contract with Boeing France. They all moved to Paris and Don and I kept in touch frequently through e-mails and instant messenger. After about three months, a joke was started.

"It would be great if you were the first friend to visit me overseas." Don often would say.

I would laugh it off and we'd just talk. I was a child who had no money to go to some foreign country, let alone have a place to stay or know the language.

Eventually, his mother got involved and it became: "You get your passport and we'll pay your round-trip ticket. You can even stay with us for 6 weeks."

It was a chance I didn't pass up. Many of you got post cards or souvenirs from me. I had a great time, and there were some various small things that I had done that probably were frowned upon based on a high order of manners.

The 6 weeks passed quickly and on March 2nd, I returned to the states. That was the last I remember hearing from Don or his parents. I'd spent a great deal of time trying to find him or contact him or his parents. Nothing worked, not e-mails, he disappeared from instant messaging, and mass searches found nothing. I would search e-mail databases for him or his parents. And for a while, I even tried MySpace. I still turned up nothing.

Eventually, I gave up and under the circumstances, I honestly thought I was to blame. Maybe I overstepped my boundaries. Maybe I was too imposing or childish. Back then, I was extremely childish and selfish. More so than I should have been for the kindness I had received. I had made a bad impression. And a lasting one.

I gave up and had thought I put it all behind me. *shrugs* I'd dealt with loss more times than I care to admit to. What was another loss...? That's what I thought at the time. Don was like a brother. No... He was my brother. More so than my legal brothers are any day of the week.

I had entirely forgotten about Don and everything until yesterday.

I took my sister to a job interview at Subway in Ocean Shores, the place I live. I was sitting in the car, playing my GBA to pass the time and I happened to look up. A guy was sitting on his bike, headphones in, strapping his helmet and getting ready to leave. He turned and I saw his face. It was Don. I called out, (stupidly), and realized the headphones and the fact he probably couldn't hear me. He started off and, (again stupidly) called out his name and tried to rush out to catch his attention. Dumbass me, I was strapped into my seat. I hadn't removed the seat belt. He got away, never noticing.

I was absolutely dumbstruck.

I didn't know I would be so bothered... I'm way more bothered than I should be. Even to the point of an anxiety attack from guilt. This has thrown me more out of sorts than I've been in 8 years. I actually had to fight off tears or the urge to yell out in frustration. *shakes head*

The only thing I can think of for why is the fact our friendship never had closure... It just... Stopped. I return from Paris and he vanishes completely.

I ran a search yesterday on MySpace, refining a few things and I believe I found him. He's been right under my nose this whole time. I've sent a couple of messages, one has been read. I'm just waiting.... And for some reason I feel like I'm being eaten alive from the inside out....

"My teddybear of a brother doesn't want a thing to do with me." is what I'd thought. Even now, I still feel doubt and unease. And more so that it's my own fault.